Love Languages Aren't Just For Couples

How Co-Regulation Helps You Heal

By: Robyn Olsen, AMFT

When most people think of love languages, they think of romantic relationships—and maybe even of couples’ quizzes and Instagram infographics. But what if love languages could be more than just communication tools? What if they were also maps to co-regulation—especially for those of us with anxiety, CPTSD, or a sensitive nervous system?

At Soul Path Counseling Collective, we understand that healing doesn't happen in isolation. It happens in safe relationships—where your system can breathe a little easier. And for those who have lived through trauma, especially developmental trauma, the way we give and receive love becomes deeply intertwined with our capacity to feel safe, soothed, and seen.

Let’s take a look at how love languages can help support nervous system regulation—and why they might matter even more for folks navigating anxiety or complex trauma.

Love Languages & the Nervous System

Dr. Gary Chapman's five love languages—Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Receiving Gifts—offer us clues about how we feel most loved and supported. But they’re also clues about what helps us feel emotionally safe.

For someone with a dysregulated nervous system, understanding how they prefer to receive love can be key to co-regulation.

It’s not just about how someone says “I love you.” It’s about how they say, “I’m here. You’re not alone. We’ll get through this together.” Here’s how that can look in practice:

Words of Affirmation:

For the person who lights up when they feel verbally appreciated, words might be the anchor in the storm. During moments of anxiety or emotional dysregulation, phrases like:

• “You’re doing such a good job right now.”

• “I’m proud of how you’re moving through this.”

• “You’re safe with me.”

...can help regulate their system in ways that silent support can’t. For these individuals, a calm, attuned voice is medicine.

Physical Touch:

For others, it’s not what you say—it’s how close you are. A hand on the back. A warm hug. Sitting close enough that knees touch. For people whose nervous systems respond to connection through physical presence, these gestures can help bring them back into their window of tolerance.

It’s not just affection—it’s anchoring.

Acts of Service:

Anxious or overwhelmed? Some people feel safest when you quietly do the thing they don’t have the capacity for right now. Bringing them tea. Starting the dishwasher. Taking something off their plate. For these folks, actions speak not just louder than words—they speak safety.

Quality Time:

Undivided attention can be a lifeline. Sitting beside someone during a panic attack—even without talking—can help them re-regulate. For someone whose love language is quality time, what matters is presence. “I’m with you. I’m not rushing off. I’m not distracted.” That grounded attention is a balm to their nervous system.

Receiving Gifts:

This isn’t about materialism—it’s about symbolic gestures that say, “I was thinking of you.” For someone with CPTSD, small tokens can represent stability and care. A grounding stone. A note. Their favorite snack left on the table. It’s less about the object and more about the moment of attunement it represents.

Love Languages as a Tool for Secure Attachment

When we understand each other’s love languages, we don’t just improve communication—we build safety. We help each other feel regulated, connected, and secure.

This doesn’t just apply to romantic partnerships. Love languages can be used intentionally in friendships, family systems, and chosen family relationships as well.

In fact, for many people with CPTSD, non-romantic co-regulation is where some of the deepest healing happens.

When we ask, “What helps you feel most loved when you’re anxious or overwhelmed?” we open the door to relational healing. We move away from assumptions and toward attunement. We give our loved ones a language for asking for what they need—and a felt sense that their needs matter.

A Gentle Invitation

If you live with anxiety or trauma, it’s okay if you’re still figuring out your love language. Sometimes, trauma muddies the waters. It might take time to notice what actually feels good—not just what feels familiar.

But here’s the truth: you are allowed to be loved in the way your nervous system understands. You’re allowed to ask for that. You’re allowed to experiment and re-negotiate and grow.

And if you’re supporting someone else—whether as a partner, a friend, or a family member—let love languages be one more way you say, I see you. I care. I want to get this right.

Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a practice. And co-regulation is one of its most powerful forms.

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